Understanding What Self-Sabotage Really Is

Merriam-Webster defines sabotage as ‘the act of destroying or damaging something deliberately so that it does not work correctly’.

I view self-sabotage as ‘consciously or unconsciously keeping yourself from being successful in an area of your life’. For me, it’s always been about my weight. I can look back at my life and see a very clear theme - when I’m unhappy, stressed or experiencing trauma in my life, I gain weight. When I am not, I have an easier time maintaining. Notice I said maintain, not lose... Losing weight has always been a battle of my mind and less about my body. I have started diets so many times that I lost count decades ago. I am 44 years old and am finally ready to deal with the underlying reasons that I self-sabotage myself. And if I’m being honest with myself, there are other areas in my life where self-sabotage comes out to play; it’s not just my weight. 

How do you know you are self-sabotaging yourself? 

Have you ever gotten so close to finishing something, and all you need is just a LITTLE more to complete it, then just don’t do it? Have you ever done a great job of not over-indulging all day, then right before bed stuffed your face to its maximum capacity, completely negating all your previous effort? Why do we do this to ourselves? Why can’t we have just a little bit more willpower (or maybe a lot)? Well, there could be many reasons, and relying on our own strength is definitely not the answer. And if we do finally feel a little like we’ve caught our balance, then something comes along and knocks us off again. Sometimes it is an outside force, and sometimes we have no one to blame but ourselves.  

Since those who I help every day have experience with domestic abuse or family trauma, I’m going to take it from that angle. When we recognize we have sabotaged our progress on something, we feel overwhelmingly frustrated, which leads to feelings of shame and guilt. Our minds eventually learn that we cannot trust ourselves, and our ego hangs on to what it knows for dear-friggin-life. The way I see it, by self-sabotaging, we are continuing to traumatize ourselves over and over again. I’m going to shift a little more here, as well: it is more than self-sabotaging ourselves in the area of ______ (fill in the blank), it is more about us not having the ability to be our best selves because we lack self-control.  The enemy wants us to fail. He knows our shortcomings and our areas of weakness, and he is very crafty about how he uses them against us. 

Yes, self-control is a gift. When we sabotage ourselves from fully walking into who wants us to be, we are missing out on the abundance that God set aside for us. One of the first scriptures that really resonated with me was 2 Timothy 1:7, “for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.”. 

Some of us lack healthy boundaries. We may have never seen what healthy boundaries and self-control really looks like. 

Many struggle with perfectionism. “If I can’t do it perfectly, I won’t do it at all.” And then we fall back into unhealthy patterns. 

We all have an inner critic, the little voice inside our head that criticizes everything we do. We create limiting beliefs for ourselves that keep us from really believing that we are able to do something.

Fear is a BIG one. Some of us fear success; we don’t know what it’s like to feel successful at something, so we stay in our comfort zone. We play small. In the case of being a healthy weight, some may feel that the weight protects them from outside things, and seek to avoid attention. 

All of these things have very likely been a part of the negative experiences that we have had from the trauma in our lives. When you think about where you are right now, which one of these resonates with you the most? Start there.

The Bible talks a lot about self-control. Galatians 5:22 says that self-control is a fruit of the Spirit. We must take responsibility for our lack of self-control, and also lean on the Spirit to help us through our moments of temptation. And we will be tempted, as we all know too well. 

We must also practice self-compassion.  

Loving yourself like God loves you. Be kind to yourself; you are the beloved child of our mighty God. We will fail, but we get right back up again, give ourselves some grace, and keep going. You are worthy of all he has to give. 

It is important to address how we are feeling.

Journal about it, and talk to God about them. For goodness sake, don’t pretend your feelings are not there and bury them to deal with later, because you will.  

We must stop trying to do it all on our own. It is imperative that we rely on God to help strengthen us. Philippians 4:13 says “I can do all things through Christ that strengthens me.”. Matthew 6:13 says “And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one.” 

Pray about it. Pray through it. Every single morning, wake up and talk to God about what you want to accomplish that day. He will help you. 

As for me, I am working on honoring myself and the intentions I set each day. Most days that means taking it one meal at a time. And doing a lot of praying… 

Blessings to you this week, sisters!